Vulnerability

It is still not easy for me to share vulnerably about myself, even with people I trust. I often have to push myself to open up and remind myself daily that being vulnerable and talking about my feelings or challenges with trusted people is usually going to make me feel some level of relief. I say this as a psychologist, and one who has read about the benefits of opening up and being vulnerable, but still struggles with the internalized voices of my childhood that say, “What’s the point, and I can deal with this on my own.”

I know where some of the reluctance comes from within myself. During childhood and especially at school, the common language of boys when seeing perceived signs of vulnerability were met with names like, “gay, fag and pussy.” This was the currency of exchange in the 80’s and no doubt my psyche was registering that vulnerability equaled punishment and public shaming. However, it got easier to see in my 20s and 30s how keeping secrets and being closed off hurt me and people I knew. Also, social environments I was in were more receptive to signs of vulnerability. The same need to be protective to avoid harm was no longer necessary. Then the question arose for me, why am I so scared about being vulnerable? I needed to unlearn my training of “hardening up” because it was no longer necessary in this environment of people that could handle and were even eager to talk about emotions, challenges, normal human failures. 

This is where an understanding of how avoidant attachment styles in males can be shaped by the toxic masculinity rampant in schoolyards, gyms and classrooms and not just by the interactions with the parent(s). In short, we often place our boys in a training ground that strips them of their connections to their hearts.  In this setting, an avoidant attachment style is a normal adaptation to societies social pressures to be strong, independent, and in control. Avoidant attachment style is characterized by the following: valuing independence over intimacy, keeping emotional distance, discomfort with vulnerability, and an over-reliance on oneself at the expense of opening up to others.

These are a combination of behaviors and beliefs meant to support self-regulation and survival for someone navigating through relationships. The bad news is this can often lead to feeling unfilled in relationships, alone, unable to access feelings of aliveness, depression, and unfulfilling relationships that often do not last very long.

The good news – this is all very workable.

It starts with naming the processes that are going on and often governing our actions. This often means getting to know the role of anger and shame within us. We can turn to books to start this process and Dr. Robert Masters can help put into words the insidious impact of shame when left unattended. I have also appreciated the work of Dr. James Hollis, who touches on Shadow work, which includes bringing aspects of our self into view, so we don’t act out as much.

Healing from the experiences of our childhood is a lifelong process and the work is always unfinished and unfolding. As adults, we have to take responsibility for our actions. However, we don’t need to re-create the wheel. People are out there to help and there are enjoyable books to also point out the way.  I’m going to leave you with a few practices from Dr. Robert Masters that I find personally useful when working with shame:

1)      Become familiar with your shame (both healthy and unhealthy) and your history with it. Look at the role shame played in your parents’ life. Consider collective shame, especially regarding the pressures on manning up that are so culturally pervasive.

2)      Identify when shame arises within you, name it, and notice what you are pulled to do when it comes up within you (like withdrawing, shutting down, becoming pleasing, passive aggressive), and name that again out loud.

3)      Neither flee from nor lose yourself in your shame. Stay present with it, feeling it as fully as you can, noting where in your body you sense it most strongly.

Remember that even small actions today are worthwhile in letting go of the programming that limits your more authentic relationship with your deepest aspirations. Be bold and harness the warrior spirit!